Advice

WAfyWF: BCE Revisited

Dear Friends, 

It was pointed out to me that I may have misread the question by Strapless in Seattle, which I answered yesterday. You see, I assumed the writer was a cis woman, but they did not specify their gender in those terms, and very well could be a trans or nonbinary person. So first, I want to apologize for being exclusionary toward my trans and nonbinary friends. Even though it was unintentional, I should not have made that assumption, and I think this is an area where I could grow. 

I spent the evening thinking about Strapless’s question and whether/how I would answer differently if they were not a cis woman, and I decided to attempt to offer a second round of perspective on this question. 

For starters, YES, Strapless, there are plenty of women who date and love trans and nonbinary people. AND you don’t have to surgically alter your body for someone to love you. You have the right to do so if it affirms your identity, and I have no business giving advice on that choice because it’s so deeply personal. I can say that I know trans women who have not had surgery who have (as far as I know) very healthy sex lives and relationships. 

When it comes to dating, let’s say you’ve been flirting with someone, you go on a date or two, you like each other, and you’re ready to get intimate That timeline can be as long or as short as you want, but by the time the two of you are undressing, you’re both just excited to be together. Finding out exactly what their body looks like under the clothing is part of what you’re looking forward to, but once you’re at that point, you probably both know where you want things to lead. All the rules of consent still apply, and a person can change their mind at any time, but I have never undressed a partner and suddenly reversed my attraction to them on the basis of their body alone, and I imagine that’s the case for most people.

Granted, I am saying this as a pan/bi-sexual person who believes gender is a construct, parts are just parts, and humans are beautiful, fullstop. Not everyone feels that way, and I think that’s a sad thing. I hope you find yourself surrounded by people who see you as the unique human being you are rather than reducing you to a genital-based label. You are more than that, and you are worthy of love and pleasure. 

As you ease back into dating, keep your standards high and your boundaries clear, and don’t fuck people who don’t respect you and your body. Finally, add this phrase to your profile: TERFS need not apply. 

To close, I would like to thank Strapless for asking such a rich question. And to the friend who let me know about the possible mis-reading, thank you for helping me get better. 

Sincerely, 

Mary

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *