My father-in-law, like many people I know, misuses the word whom. He may or may not be doing this on purpose since our primary form of interaction is irritating the shit out of one another for no clear reason. I’ve pointed out to him that he is misusing the word, and he says, “I know,” but the fact remains, and he continues to misuse the word.

Imagine that you are standing in the kitchen of your in-laws’ house, having a pleasant enough conversation with your mother-in-law. Something like the following exchange is going on:

“So, I was talking with her about the wedding, and she’s stressed because she hasn’t received all the RSVP cards.”
“Well, we sent ours in.”
“Yeah, we sent ours, too, but apparently some of their friends haven’t.”
“So then they’re not coming. Problem solved.”
“Yeah, but some of these people are the type who will show up without RSVP’ing apparently.”

Enter from stage left: Father-in-law, who is carrying your dinner. “Whom?” he says.

At this point, it is always my role to stare at him blankly. He doesn’t know why I stare at him blankly. With one word, he has thrown a giant wrench into the turning gears of my brain. Here’s an excerpt from my internal monologue:

Do I correct him on his use of that word or not? He’s using it as a … as a .. what? Whom is a direct object. He’s using it as a whole sentence. Whom isn’t a question … is it? Where’s my copy of Strunk and White when I need it? Anyway, I guess what he means to say is “whom are you discussing,” which is technically correct, but he could just as easily have said, “Who?” meaning “Who is that type of person?” or “Who is stressed out?”.

There are reasons this monologue remains internal. For one thing, he has just grilled steak for us to eat. For another thing, I’m drinking his wine. And just to round out the whole set of things, he’s also been responsible for the installation of most of the wood flooring in our new house as well as the cabinets in our kitchen, and he is providing the tile for the kitchen and the soon-to-be-remodeled two and a half baths. My gratitude and indebtedness outweigh my grammatical pet peeves in this case.

But the trouble, I find, is that not only do most people misuse whom, but they also get so hung up on correct grammar that they can’t exchange ideas. How many times have you had a conversation interrupted by some amateur grammarian telling you, “You can, but you may not,” or “Don’t you mean she and I?” In the case of can and may, a person is interrupting a perfectly good exchange to assert their grammatical superiority, which is both counterproductive and tacky as hell. In the case of she and I, I like to correct the corrector by asking, “Sure, but do you know when it’s appropriate to say ‘her and me’?” Invariably, they do not.

In discussing my qualms about whom with some friends, someone quoted (or rather paraphrased) Winston Churchill, who once said something to the ironic effect of, “That is the kind of nonsense up with which I will not put.” I love that sentence because it’s a perfect example of how following all the grammar rules can actually impede communication or at least make a speaker or writer look utterly ridiculous. This quote always calls to mind a scene in the American cinematic classic, Beavis and Butthead Do America, in which an FBI agent struggles to avoid ending sentences with prepositions.

Agent Bork: Chief, you know that guy whose camper they were whacking off in?
Agent Fleming: Bork, you’re a Federal Agent. You represent the United States government. Never end a sentence with a preposition.
Agent Bork: Oh, uh… You know that guy in whose camper they… I mean, that guy off in whose camper they were whacking?

On a tangential note, why don’t people say “Whacking off” anymore? What a hilarious phrase.

Anyway, back to the point, which is that most times, correcting people is a waste of time. It’s annoying, it’s rude, it’s condescending, it’s disruptive, and there’s always the possibility that you’re actually wrong, which makes you look doubly douchey. And this is why I don’t correct my father-in-law on his use of whom, and instead, I’m considering giving him a copy of Strunk and White for Christmas. After all, if he’s got such an appreciation for grammar, he ought to really love a book that can actually explain the how’s an why’s hows and whys of all our favorite constructions.

This all comes back to a point that I feel obligated to make time and again. Even though I’m a writer, I’m more interested in communication than correctness. I find syntax much more compelling than grammar, and I believe putting a handful of crummy rules ahead of the actual exchange of ideas is unfathomably obtuse. That said, I have no shortage of words and phrases that offend me when misused. Don’t you?