This Just In

Getting married doesn’t make you some kind of superstar. You’re not the prettiest girl in the world. No one is.

Your wedding is not going to be the greatest day of your life. If this is the day you’ve been looking forward to since childhood and you truly feel it’s all going to be “happily ever after” from here on out, I don’t wanna rain on your parade, but I think you need a reality check before you take one step further.

Your prince charming is going to piss you off. You’re going to have to clean up leaky pipes in the basement together. You will fight about money. You will wonder if he understands you. You will both gain weight. You will sometimes not feel like having sex. You will fantasize about other people. You will wish you hadn’t spent so much on that dress.

I’m saying this as a happily married woman who had a pretty rad wedding, but I just feel the need to get this all out there.

No one will remember your wedding but you and your very close loved ones. No one cares what the cake looks like. No one cares what invitations you choose. And if you plan an elaborate choreographed routine that your whole wedding party has to memorize and perform for your guests, it might make you internet famous for a minute, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy for the rest of your life.

On the other hand, if you pitch fits and scream at people, everyone will remember, and not in a kind way. I don’t care how cute or famous or hormonal you may be. If the words “you’re ruining everything” come out of your mouth, you should be smacked because whoever you’re yelling at and whatever they may be doing, they are not in fact ruining everything. They are perhaps irritating you and probably forcing you to acknowledge the fact that you are not a princess and your life is not a Disney movie. Good for them.

Anyway, I’m not trying to crush your dreams of having a fairytale wedding, except I totally am. Your wedding is not the best day of your life, ok? I mean, if you do it right, it can be really fun and amazing, but first you should let go of all the ridiculous expectations and quit acting like you’re some kind of reality TV star. No one likes those people.

And as for making the marriage last? I don’t know for sure, but I bet it has something to do with thinking more about the person you’re about to marry than the dress you’ll wear.

Inappropriate office wear: silver shirt and Fraggle hair
Advice from my husband

6 thoughts on “This Just In

  1. Great advice! I’ve just started planning my wedding, and I learned this startling statistic: the average American couple spends $27,000 on their wedding. After a day as a princess, I bet marriage itself seems pretty crappy. Thus, I’m trying to keep my wedding as modest and small as possible.

  2. I suggest picking the one or two things that matter the most to you, and then to hell with all the rest. I wanted to wear a really pretty dress, and I wanted to get married at my parents’ house. I didn’t care about the food. I refused to make a seating chart. I started drinking margaritas at noon. It was a fabulous day.

  3. My wedding was inexpensive. My dress was $600, and my shoes were $200, but my bridesmaids dresses were from Ann Taylor, $60 each. My mom dyed fabric. We had a great local band, and the place we rented cost the same as my dress. We had a small caterer and a small florist.

    Not only was it inexpensive, but everyone actually remembered our wedding. We had animal noses for party favors. There were no flower girls, but the youngest members of the party blew machine-gun bubbles. It was a gorgeous day.

    People still tell us how great our wedding was. But nearly all our friends—all but maybe three couples—are divorced or apart. For us: 18 years. And we were together for 12 before we married.

    I think the wedding day IS important, but it’s not more important than thinking it doesn’t take a lot of work and patience.

    And a few animal noses from the Nature Company couldn’t hurt, either.

  4. My husband and I were JUST talking about this. Our wedding was … OK. Lovely and happy and everybody-togethery, but just your average wedding. We had no money and our families had no money, so we got a school building for a venue for 25 bucks — which sounds kind of lousy, except it’s at the foot of the mountains, great for an outdoor wedding, and we used the cafeteria for buffet and serving space (though not the food). He rented the tux, and I wore the dress I was going to wear the first time we almost got married. (I think I deserve bonus points for still fitting into the dress I bought at 18, after several years and a kid.) The DJ was a friend. The photographer was my sister’s boyfriend, which means we have an inordinate number of photos of my sister in our album.

    My point: It was the cheapest, most cobbled-together wedding ever. Also, we didn’t really know how to throw a wedding, so we sort of just blundered our way through it. Which is also kind of how we started our marriage. I always used to think we’d have some epiphany moment of “getting it,” but no, we still blunder. The funny thing is, we’re getting really good for each other, little bits at a time. Today? Today was better than my wedding day. And all we did together today was watch “Star Trek” reruns and eat ice cream.

  5. So I know this is sooooo old, but I just read it and-YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I find myself having to be the bearer of reality whenever a friend of mine finds a mate. More than once I’ve been told, “Oh Mandie, it’s so good I know you so I can learn from your relationship. ______ and I will have such an easy first year thanks to you and Sky!”
    To which I say, “MOTHERFUCKER YOU MISSED THE POINT!” /RAGE

    Anyway, thank you put putting this in print so maybe there don’t have to be so many derpy conversations. Be overtaken with love, but don’t think you won’t want to throw a bowl of warm ramen in your partners face at some point.

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