I need a more luminous word for the impossibility we crave.
Even the sunset is gone in an instant.
We want to know the last digit of pi.
We want accuracy in all things
But especially in love.
How much?
And will it last forever?
Can you promise I won’t cry at the end of this movie?
Will it be beautiful?
Will anyone remember?
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A slow drive through memory.
The kind of sweet that
shatters in your mouth.
A love like chewing glass,
Every word a chance to choke.
Waking up shaking sand out of my mouth
from grinding your glass all night.
Always misdressed for the occasion,
watching everyone else’s feet,
trying to remember how to walk.
Go where they go, drink what they drink,
smoke what they smoke,
lie what they lie.
Still couldn’t sing the song right.
Pacing the open road to nowhere
and back again.
From your home to mine
more than a stretch of the imagination.
Voice turned inside out with rage
and salted lungs.
Occasionally a face gives me a jolt
of fear and revulsion.
An instantaneous prayer:
no.
One of my favorite ways to write is to put on some strange music and see what it stirs up, so last night, I found this song and produced this poem. I’ve been writing all my life and still don’t know what’s good. I can hear in my mind the critiques my various teachers would give it, and I’m trying to learn to write despite their voices in my head.
Today is the Anniversary of Anne Frank’s first kiss.
On April 15, 1944, her diary entry began, “There’s just one bad thing after another. When will it all end?” The day was full of bad news, fear, and the simple exhaustion of having lived in that little attic annex for nearly two years. But that night, she went to sit with her friend Peter to talk and enjoy the fresh air by an open window (they couldn’t leave it open during the day). He held her close for a long time and kissed her at last before she went to sleep. That kiss was the only thing she wrote about the next day.
She wrote:
Remember yesterday’s date, since it was a red-letter day for me. Isn’t it an important day for every girl when she gets her first kiss? Well then, it’s no less important to me.
Even in the midst of humanity’s darkest times, someone was falling in love. Two young people found companionship and support in one another. A kiss still made it a red-letter day. I think we owe it to Ms. Frank to remember that one time, she fell in love.
Getting married doesn’t make you some kind of superstar. You’re not the prettiest girl in the world. No one is.
Your wedding is not going to be the greatest day of your life. If this is the day you’ve been looking forward to since childhood and you truly feel it’s all going to be “happily ever after” from here on out, I don’t wanna rain on your parade, but I think you need a reality check before you take one step further.
Your prince charming is going to piss you off. You’re going to have to clean up leaky pipes in the basement together. You will fight about money. You will wonder if he understands you. You will both gain weight. You will sometimes not feel like having sex. You will fantasize about other people. You will wish you hadn’t spent so much on that dress.
I’m saying this as a happily married woman who had a pretty rad wedding, but I just feel the need to get this all out there.
No one will remember your wedding but you and your very close loved ones. No one cares what the cake looks like. No one cares what invitations you choose. And if you plan an elaborate choreographed routine that your whole wedding party has to memorize and perform for your guests, it might make you internet famous for a minute, but it doesn’t mean you’re going to be happy for the rest of your life.
On the other hand, if you pitch fits and scream at people, everyone will remember, and not in a kind way. I don’t care how cute or famous or hormonal you may be. If the words “you’re ruining everything” come out of your mouth, you should be smacked because whoever you’re yelling at and whatever they may be doing, they are not in fact ruining everything. They are perhaps irritating you and probably forcing you to acknowledge the fact that you are not a princess and your life is not a Disney movie. Good for them.
Anyway, I’m not trying to crush your dreams of having a fairytale wedding, except I totally am. Your wedding is not the best day of your life, ok? I mean, if you do it right, it can be really fun and amazing, but first you should let go of all the ridiculous expectations and quit acting like you’re some kind of reality TV star. No one likes those people.
And as for making the marriage last? I don’t know for sure, but I bet it has something to do with thinking more about the person you’re about to marry than the dress you’ll wear.